Just As I Am

NOTE:  This is Kathy’s second blog post.  You can also view her posts at:  kathyharmon.wordpress.com.

Today my husband and I attended church for the first time after a long absence.  I had grown weary of certain aspects of it and still am not sure of where I stand.  But I faced going there today because I was feeling called to act on my own instincts which are not always right but oftentimes are.

A sunset in the Arizona desert near Scottsdale...
A sunset in the Arizona desert near Scottsdale. The climate and imagery are two factors behind Arizona’s tourism industry. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As the day has passed, my thoughts have focused on one central theme.  Years ago in a very loving twelve step group in Arizona, I was introduced to what has always been my foundation of any faith in God and any concept as to who God is for me.

In that time back in Arizona I could say the Lord’s Prayer with the group with meaning and know and feel I was praying to God, but other things like the Serenity Prayer was something beyond me.

It is only now in my later years that I understand any of it.  I break it into three parts; the first is that God help me accept what I cannot change, second that God give me the power to change what I can, and third that He gives me wisdom to see what I can or cannot change.

In doing any of this I now have times when I feel at peace.  In Arizona, I never did.  I was like a woman lit on fire and running for her life not knowing how to get the pain to ever go away.  I had no conception of what serenity was.  But I could see it in other members faces, many times almost changing them from their beginning stages of recovery to someone looking totally different like they had been miraculously Baptized in some sort of healing waters and freed from whatever ailed them.  I sort of compared it to someone who had struck gold.  Amazing!

I see myself today having periods of serenity; I have learned that I get there many times by test, trial, and risk with my relationships.  And boy, am I ever good at making mistakes.

I know I fail more than I succeed but, as I have told my daughter, I have learned the most from my mistakes sometimes causing much hurt.  I can flub up a relationship and now know what I can do or not to do to maybe save it.  This falling thing is something I know exactly what to do with and that is to pick myself up and go on.  One quality that the good Lord gave me was lots of determination.  Probably this is my strongest asset.  After arising from having fallen, I need to forgive myself and let it go.  I have done my best with what I have.  Thinking lowly of myself serves no purpose either.

And so the subject of this entry is acceptance with a capital “A”. This is such a large and wonderful thing to ever achieve.

I simply love that old church hymn “Just As I am”.